Morning. Hope this week is good for everyone.
A whirlwind of emotions
Today, it’s all catching up to me. It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. And I can’t shake it.
I have so many emotions running inside of me right now. They all seem to be fucking with me today and it really sucks.
My dad is moving. Selling the house him and my mom lived in for the past 20 years. It is causing some strain on the family. We are worried about his finances and how he is going to move all this shit. He is downsizing and needs to have a garage sale, but we believe he needs to be out by the end of the month.
I am trying to patiently wait on some big news. A new job, in a new state. A HUGE pay raise and a GREAT jump start to my career. I should hear back by Wednesday or Thursday. As long as the money is where I need it to be, it is a done deal.
This is really hard on me. It would mean leaving my son with his mom full time. I would be 7 hours away. I can’t even begin to fathom how I am going to break this to him. Or how he is going to take it. I know he won’t understand why I would be moving.
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It’s a chance to clear the 25k in debt from my marriage within a year or so. It’s a chance to set myself up in a very comfortable financial situation for a long time coming. It’s a chance to better provide for my son.
I wouldn’t leave forever, but it could be years before I get back. I think of all the experiences I would miss as a dad. And it makes me cry. I think of all the little things that I would miss and I keel over.
This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I could leave as early as July 1st or as late as October 1st.
To change the subject, but to continue what is weighing on me today………
I have trust issues. Big time. From past relationships. And its preventing me from growing as a person. Its blocking me from really opening up. Its denying me the chance to purely and cleanly love.
My ex wife has come a long way and we get along really good. I am over what she has done to me on the past and I am somewhat at peace but I still always think, why did she hurt me so bad?
It was my last relationship that has really got me in a funk. I felt so vested in this relationship and one that I really felt good about. But in the end, I realize what a fool I had become. I believed the lies and her countless apologies. Time and time again. I gave her chance after chance to be open and honest with me. She gave me chances too. But I never lied or hurt her intentionally.
My love for her was tested repeatedly. And in the most cruelest of ways. I was cheated on, I was duped, I was used. For sex, for nice dinners, for shopping. For someone to lean on when no one else was there. I was strung through a difficult period in her life like a puppet on a string. I waited in vein for her true love.
And it just wasn’t fair. I had one foot in, she had one foot out. She has lived a life of lies and deceit. And it all was dumped on me. The “nice guy,” the one who was standing by her side, no matter what.
I sit here and just try and wrap my head around what has happened. Why I was shit on so bad and why I put up with it. What was it about her that kept me hanging on.
Was it because I had trusted her with everything? She knew more about me that anyone in my life. More than my ex. Was it because of the sex? Was it her companionship? Was it her big heart? I think it was a combination of all of the above.
I don’t trust anyone right now. Not one bit. And I feel so trapped because I can’t open up to anyone right now. I am bottling all this up inside me.
I am a mess. I am hurt beyond explanation. I just wish I could wipe the slate clean. And forget. But I can’t. There are scars, deep, deep scars.
Summer feelings
Tonight was a good kickoff to the summer.
Cold beer, grill smokin’, bean bags being tossed, music blasting and of course, good friends and laughs.
Summer seems simple. Gathering together and enjoying the outdoors. Everyone seems to be in better moods.
I am now home, belly full of beer and food. Nearing a comatose state. And it feels oh so good.
Five for Friday
I got up at 5am today, that is just way too damn early. Hitting a wall, hopefully sleep soon.
I had therapy today, phew, kinda rough. But I was 100% honest. Glad I went.
Ate some bad ass tacos from my favorite joint.
Watching a ball game in my boxers.
Yes, I am pretty fucking exciting!
How come it didn’t work?
Some of the tactics my folks used to get me to eat the right foods do not work on my son.
Either he is too smart, or I was really dumb.
All of a sudden he doesn’t like the crust on his bread. This is after I made it and packed it away in his backpack. Not wanting to unpack his lunch, I said “Hey bud, if you eat the crust it’ll put hair on your chest.”
His reply, “Dad, that’s gross.”
I unpacked the lunch and cut off the crust.
Kid 1, Dad 0
