As my son was in the bath tonight, he asked me if we could do his hair in a faux hawk style. He also said he wanted cologne. I asked him why. His reply, “So everyone thinks I’m a stud.”

God help me now.

The truth is, that I have mixed feelings about him growing up. I am scared to experience the teen years and lose my little buddy. But at the same time, I cannot wait to see how proud he is going to make me.

I always wanted to be a dad, ever since I was married 9 nine years ago. Although it didn’t last and ended in divorce, it gave me the greatest gift of all, my boy. 

Being a proud parent. There is no better feeling in the world. I know its cliche and every parent gloats about their own children (and rightfully so), but my son made me so damn proud today.

In that true “dad” sense. In the sense that maybe every dad dreams of. It had that manly, sporting feeling, but to me, it was a deeper meaning.

Today at Kids Club, the teachers were taking a vote as to whether you were a Cubs fan or a White Sox fan (we live in NW Chicago Burbs). When it was my son’s turn to vote, he said, “None of them, I like the Giants.”

My dad got me into the Giants as a youngster and now I have done the same with my son. I was ecstatic to say the least.

But what made me most proud, is that he was different and didn’t hesitate to be different.

Maybe I’m doing this parenting thing right. But nonetheless, today, I was a very proud dad. And that’s the truth.

5 years

It is so hard to grasp that my son turns five today.

It’s hard to swallow. A lot has happened in the last five years, it has shaped who I have become.

Five years ago today, it was Easter Sunday. A special day for me, the anniversary of my Grandpa Leese’s death and the birth of my son. And a holiday!

I don’t want to divulge too much of the past, but in those five years, I have changed careers, got divorced, lost my mom, grandma and aunt. And consequently have lost my family to an extent.

But amid all of the negative, I have had life’s greatest privilege……..being a Dad. I have embraced it with all I have, it has humbled me, taught me about unconditional love and what being a man really entails. 

Conlan (my son) has made me laugh, he’s made me cry, he’s scared the shit out of me, but most importantly he’s let me discover me. He’s let me grow with him. 

So as he turns five today, I remind myself just how damn lucky I am to be his Dad. To be his role model. I wish I could freeze time, this is a wonderful age, but as I have grown, I must let him too.

Happy Birthday buddy, Dad loves you!!

I picked up my son from daycare this evening with the intention of taking him to his birthday dinner. His actual birthday is Saturday, but since I won’t see him until the party on Sunday, tonight was the night.

As I entered the daycare, he came running over and said we HAD to go to McDonald’s because the teachers were working there tonight. A fundraiser for a new playground. I obliged of course and I’m glad I did.

There were some classmates of his there as well and I FINALLY got to meet some of the other parents. See, my ex lives in a different town and she sometimes hides certain school activities from me. So I haven’t had many opportunities to mingle with the other parents.

Although this McDonald’s was an absolute zoo, I did sit and chat with 3 other parents. I think they were all older than me, but our kids are the same ages. It was great to see the kids ha ing fun and to get to know who these other parents were.

Between my ex hiding things and bad luck (other kids bday parties on her weekends) I was finally able to feel like I belonged. Albeit a dinner at McDonald’s, my kid was proud to shout out, “That’s my dad.”

I win today.

goes in for knee replacement surgery tomorrow morning. He has dreaded this for quite some time. He got some steroid shots and cortisone to prolong the surgery, but it’s here now.

He really hates that he will be out of commission for 8-12 weeks. It’s scary for him financially as he owns his own business. He is a chiropractor, so no work, no pay. 

I have talked to him at length over the past few weeks about the surgery. But tonight I called and it was short. I am sure he is tired but I really think he was frustrated. He hates asking for help and help is going to be what he needs over the next several weeks. 

My aunt, my mom’s sister is there now. My uncle is due in early next week and I will go next weekend. Plus my brother and sisters are there in town coupled with several friends.

I just pray he can pull through financially and that his mind is at ease. 

is something that should be allowed when in reference to your ex wife. Seriously.

I had a conversation with her yesterday concerning a lesson I taught my son. It was about giving and making others happy. We went and Christmas shopped for his cousins. He did great at picking out the gifts, but was very upset that he wasn’t getting anything.

I told him Christmas (and moreover, life) was about giving. And that sometimes, you have to give in order to receive. He understood it and quickly turned this bad experience into a good one. He was proud of the gifts he picked out and realized it would make others happy. 

I also explained to him throughout this experience that you have to earn things. They are not just given. The ex was on board, she even made a comment about my positive parenting skills. 

However, late this morning, she some how forgot about our conversation. We walked into her house and she had just returned from Wal-Mart. She had a movie and a little figurine of some sort. He was obviously very happy, but was quick to point out that I did not buy him anything yesterday. This was done in front of her husband and father. 

I quickly reminded my son how important it was to give to others. And he told his mom the gifts we got for his cousins. I was pissed at her and wanted to bitch slap her. But then I thought about it and chose to focus on what I did with my son this weekend.

We made dinner together Friday, we saw Santa and baked cookies on Saturday. Of course, we made our pancakes this morning. I remember the time we spent together, the horse play, the legos and most of all, his smile and laughter. 

That is what matters. He is my focus. 

And………an hour later he is still playing. Easily amused. I guess this is what kids do these days. 

I am cooking burgers on the grill and enjoying a few quiet moments, other than jaws jumping in and out of the water and swallowing everything in site. 

I had a nice FULL day with my son. We really didn’t do anything, made a nice breakfast, read, did puzzles, hit the park and a few errands. We also practiced rhyming words and his sounds. All in all, it really was a great day.

I do have my family in the back of my mind. I won’t let it creep up on me today. My uncles are speaking with my dad who has clearly lost it. I am hoping for the best and have faith in my family. It makes me think of my mom a lot, but in a good way. 

Not much on the agenda tonight, I am sure he will be down by 8:30. Oh, ordered a Halloween costume, kinda excited!

Happy Saturday!

4 yr old: Dad, I’m gonna have two cookies (as he already has them in hand) since I didn’t have one yesterday, ok?

Me: Buddy, we haven’t eaten dinner yet, you know the rule, no treats until after dinner.

4 yr old: But Dad, I just won’t eat any after dinner and I’m so hungry.

Me: How about carrots or apples, your choice.

4 yr old: If I get cookies now dad, you’ll be my best friend.

Me: So, we’re not best friends right now?

4 yr old: In two minutes dad, after I eat the cookies.

Me: Ok Bud, I appreciate the perseverance.

4 yr old: What dad?

Me: You win bud, well played. 

I can’t believe how old my 4 year old is starting to look. And how much he absorbs, he’s so smart. I am very proud to be his dad. It’s my life’s work. That’s why I’m here.

about my dad. He doesn’t seem himself. 

He left for Denver last night for a seminar for work. He told us kids not to tell my mom’s sister, who lives outside Denver, because he didn’t want to see her. 

All fine and dandy. She is weird and she was a shitty sister, so no harm done.

Yesterday I get on FB and I see my cousin, who is visiting my aunt, has a status that my dad is arriving tonight and they are headed to the mountains the following day. 

Weird, my dad is not fond of his sister in law, so this makes no sense. And of course, he told know one of his plans while out there. 

All 4 of us kids have heard dad tell this story that he thought my aunt was hitting on him and that she always kind of has. He thinks she was always jealous of my mom and dad. My aunt has been divorced three times and never has had any luck throughout her life. But she dug her own grave as well.

It’s is just weird to think what might be happening out West. 

So this afternoon, I called my dad. He answered, but sounded like shit. He said he was tired, didn’t sleep well (and never does) and that his medication was off. This drew my ire as he blamed his last behavior episode on his meds and that was well over a month ago.

Who knows, maybe the time zones fucked him up or the thin air, I don’t know. He was very short on the phone and we basically said nothing to each other. 

I’m just worried about him. I know he has it tough. 

But that’s me, I worry about others because I care so damn much for the few people in my life that I think are “worth it.”

I will give them my all. No matter what. Through thick and thin. I can be counted on, I can be trusted.  don’t need much. Just love and support. 

So as I worry about my dad, I feel ok in a sense too. He knows I am here, maybe he just needs to find his own way right now.